good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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