Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
