I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
