someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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