Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
