Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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