i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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