i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
