I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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