i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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