hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
