i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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