Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
