Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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