I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
