Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my phone needs a breathalizer
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
