she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
