I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
