your parents love me but you hate me
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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