Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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