ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
