i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
