Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
tell me about the eggs
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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