I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
