I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
