I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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