I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
