a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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