Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
