Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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