I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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