if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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