If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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