just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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