Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
