don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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