3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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