you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
