I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
