So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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