the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Enjoy the penises
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
