Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
