i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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