Christians are straight up FREAKS
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
