dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
