I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
