I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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