Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
