I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
