Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize