This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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