So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i will never coherently bang her
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
