she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
