A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
