I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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