The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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