I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
