I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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