the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
we're so committed to being not committed
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
