can we get nightvision for the apartment?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I will be naked everywhere
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
