new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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