don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
