You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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