3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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