spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
