I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
