The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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