..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
